My Anxiety Disorder Got Godawful

anxiety pills

I have always known; I have been scared to speak to people. I have also known I get stressed when around people since I was a teenager. In lockdown, my anxiety got so bad where I end up getting diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at end of lockdown. What people don’t understand is not everyone has the same anxiety as someone else. As people with anxiety disorder all develop it in different ways. What I’m trying to say is everyone has anxiety as it is a natural way to deal with stress. It is just some people have worst anxiety than others.

Anxiety feelings are different depending on the person and the experience they went through, but sometimes anxiety can be genetic if there is a history in your family. Please not take my experiencing and feel of anxiety as a way to test if you have it or not.

Anxiety hide away
Anxiety hide away from people

HOW I CAME TO HAVE ANXIETY DISORDER  

Am not sure how I came to have anxiety as am unsure if it is genetic or if it is through an experience because ever since I was a teenager I have been scared of people and as I get older it gets worst. I start developing an anxious feeling when I was in my mid-teenage years when people kept asking me what I want to be when I grow up and as unusual, I told them all my big dream, and some people laugh at my dream and say that a bad thing about my dream. Where after I left school, I start getting anxious on try to build a career that I always want. As I want to prove people wrong and get my dream. As started work towards my dream was when anxiety starts to get worst as I was put 110% of myself into building this career ( when am still building this career). When I was in college, I decided to start opening up again and tell people what I want in life. But then I started to feel scared of talking to people as people were judging me or say very horrible things by hiding my back to people. Where I end up not want to talk to anyone.

Fast forward to university where my anxiety is at its worst because people in the fashion world are always judging me and that scared the hell out of me. where I have no idea how to act around people or how to talk to people. Like the way I think isn’t like anyone else or because I say what am feeling such as “when I have a fashion empire, I been doing the Starbucks dance before a fabric meet and I will be standing on the table if people in the meet don’t listen to me”. The second reason is that I feel like I can’t open my mouth and say what am actually feeling is because people are going around reporting to people what I feel like and there laugh at me or speak about me be hide my back by saying awful things about me.

With that, all be said I could deal with my anxiety and found ways of coping until early this year when My anxiety start gets worst. As normal I was going about daily life living in my own little world in my head until someone said a lecture was saying horrible things be hide my back ( I have no proof this is true or not but it messed with my anxiety)

can't sleep from Anxiety
Can’t Sleep from Anxiety

when I got told this I start stressing and try to find out why was she do it and what was the problem was with me. Where I started to have thought about wanting to hide, run away, or wanting to die. Everything I did start messing with my head I got stress after sending any sort of email to anyone or I start to stress eat/wanting to hide after speaking to anyone. Because how could I trust them, how do I know they’re not bitch about me hide my back these thoughts start running through my head. Where at night when I was trying to go to sleep it started to affect me where I couldn’t get to sleep. Where I decided to whisper my thought out loud so they could escape. Then to make things worst people kept banging on my door late at night call me a psycho. Where that mess with my head, where I couldn’t escape so I started trying to find an escape by trying to find a painless way of ending my life. All the things I did never worked, so I started to get low moods and not wanting to get out of bed. Then one day I was still doing my work on my bed and some try to take pictures of me outside my flat and it starts to put me on edge. Where the university was considered for my health and wellbeing where they move me to different accommodation. But in my option, I still have a lot of thought going through my head and a fear of speaking to anyone. I few weeks went by when I was getting back to being myself again and dealing with my anxiety in my way. Then I came back from the shops one day and someone says, “there that psycho” and soon as I got home, I started to cry and wanting to hide where I started not to get out of bed again. Not to make thing even worst am always having anxiety about my career as I put 110% into my career so when it come to university grade you could image the stress.   

Before I got told I had anxiety disorder and started to get help with the help of doctors and the university my anxiety got so bad where I end up in hospital because of it. That all am saying about it.

Fast forward to few months on and am getting the help and support I need for the university and hospital. The reason I decided to share my store is that one comment can kill someone or mess with people’s heads. Because what I want to know is what do people get out of saying a horrible thing about people or bitch behind people back. So pleases respected people dreams and goals and if they need help with reach their dream suggests smaller goal to help them achieve them not be a bitch and say horrible thing be hidden there back. Make the world a better friendlier world and help people get their dream.  

“healing takes time and asking for help is courageous step ”

– Mariska Hargitay

MY ANXIETY Attack / Symptoms   

Worry 

I was worried about every little thing from what I say, to worrying about my work not been go enough.

Fear 

I had a feeling about fear about the future and my university Grades and the fear of someone watching me every single second of the day

Sleep

I could not sleep for days on end or only have only 2-3 hours of sleep.

Difficulty breathing 

I have trouble breathing when walking outside in a crowded area where I walking fast and panicking some time I run

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