Today I Am writing a blog post to help people understand me & autism. As I find when am getting older hardly anyone understands me and thinks that I am dumb because I think differently to other people. So, I write this blog post in hope that someone understands me. As I just need someone to understand me in this big bad world.
Before we get started am going to try and explain what autism the best way is I can. Autism is to do with communication with the world and how people with Autism learn and understand things and act in the world. Everybody with autism is different.
When I got diagnosed with Autism at the age of 17 years old, I got told by the Doctor “ you don’t really need to know anything about autism as it is for people to understand you better” and I just say “ok” and never really thought of anything about having autism until I started to get older as when I got older more and more people don’t understand me and call me dumb, but what people not understand is people with autism think differently and learn differently to other people. Also, they act differently in different types of situations. I never had any idea that I did thing differently when I was younger because I was just my crazy self with my big ideas, sing, dance and living in a dream world. It was only when I started to get older, I started noticing I did things differently. Where I find adulthood very hard and stressful as I cannot act like myself, it feels like being a robot half the time as I have to focus on following rules, trying to think like everyone else and follow what everyone else is doing. As if showing the real me and do my own thing I will get a lot of question why I think certain things and how am doing they think. To be perfectly honest I don’t really know how to answer the questions as I like why I can’t do it my own way because I thought the full point of the creative industry was to be unique and I thought me doing the thing my way made me unique, but apart their rule to follow in the creative industry. So, I try to hide my real self and focus on realistic goals and dreams. In my opinion, it is so boarding and depression. Especially when we have followed the work briefly for the university as when I follow the brief my design has no emotion in them but when I design without a brief I design based on my emotion.
The way I think/remember thing is all my thought are photos of things. Sometimes my thought can be a picture of a world to help me remember how to spell something but the picture of the word in my thought hardly ever happen now as I’m an adult as I can’t take a photo with my brain on the chalkboard. This is why sometimes I don’t understand certain words or can’t read Certain words on write instructions as I don’t have a photo in my head of what the world means to put a picture to the word or I don’t know how to read the word. For example, if someone told me to go to a building or street name and describing it to me use the world, I won’t understand what it is as I would need to show what the street or building looks like in order to know what to do or where to go. how I describe my brain is it like an iPad or photo album. For the most part, I have found a way around this as sometimes research up the world instructions up or watching video on how to do the instruction. I also think about little detail thing that people not normal notices or think about for an example some could say do this Garment tech pack and I could do it perfectly thing and let say there was one little line that wasn’t straight and someone says it finds not worry about I would continue to fix it as it would stress me out.
When people transition into adulthood, people find it easy for example when someone leaves school and gets a job or goes to college it is easy for people to adapt well. For an autism person, it could be very stressful. When I left school, it felt like my whole world fell apart. Where every day or every week I would have mood swing where I would get angry at everything little thing or sometimes, I would lay in bed all day until I died. The reason I did this was that I thought I would never get my dream job/ life and also because no one told me my next step, so I was unsure on how to find my next step to get what I want in life. Also, because I had no work to focus on. It also took and year for me to find my next step which was to get into college to study fashion design. But for that full year, I had a lot of mood swings, couldn’t sleep because I started to think of negative thoughts, and sometimes was in a depressed mood. Education and working on thing to do with my course has never been a big problem as am on a creative course because my autism report says I lean and understand the thing with pictures and by doing practical tasks such as pattern cutting and sewing. But I find that I cannot understand world focus jobs or offices job because of my spelling and the abelites to understand the text and to know what to do with the center tasks that bosses would give to people or what to say when answering the phone for an example when I was working with customer services company where we had to answer phones, I didn’t know what to say when customers kept asking questions where I kept asking for help off the staff as I didn’t know what to say. Even now we go trained up, but we never go trained up on how to answers questions. Now before anyone say what about creative jobs you still have stuff like that to do and yes that right, but I understand what the task is and how to do independently as it thought practical task and visual work.
A big part of my Autism is Communication as sometimes I find communication like a foreign language because am unsure of how to keep a conversation going or know what to say to people. As people expect you to pick up on stuff like emotions but I can’t pick up on that stuff or I don’t understand some people’s humor. Mainly it’s awkward meeting (it easier meet people online via video, hey why has no one thought of a dating video app where instead of texting it facetime after swiping right) or speak to people because sometimes they make direct eye contact, as I find eye contact uncomfortable and something when they consciously star at me I get paranoid and what to say why the hell are you looking at me stop looking at me. Also, sometimes I feel like running away and hiding when this happens. Another reason I do not like Communication is that sometimes I offend people without meaning to so I would not like to open my mouth just in case. Also having friends and make friends are hard as it takes a lot of brainpower, and it can tire me. Most of the time I don’t wish to speak to anyone as am happy being in my dream world and I am also involved in social situations. (Even know I got on and on about find the dream men and get married so really did not know how to find the dream man if not want to speak to people maybe I just start up a video dating app and why people ask me why I start it up I would say because I was searching for the perfect man ha) Some people think it a sad life not speaking to people but I really not, because I find it fun as I make face in the mirror at myself and weird noises and I laugh at myself do it. If I need to speak to some, I will speak to my teddy monkey or any animals as I can speak to them and they won’t speak back or question things I say.
I think because I have communication problems it is hard for me to get a part-time job or hold onto a part-time job if I get it, while at university. As when I apply for a job or get a job things to seem to go wrong where I start stressing a search thing up. I have searched up reading “can autism find a job and hold down a job” I do find what the internet says to be true as the Internet says “people with autism are unemployed or can’t hold down a job” when I read this it gets me stressed and upset as all I ever want to do is work 24 hours (because I want to be able to be independent and not having struggle or be bored out my mind where I start thinking negative thoughts.) The reason I find this truth is because of how I act with communication and in Social stations. I find it very tiring to be around people all day. where I feel like the corporate world is not for me as I have about 4 jobs in my life mostly customer Servers based or office jobs ( well in fact I left that office job as I could read spell things they want me to do ha). I also think the reason I find it hard to get a job is because before the interview I do research and write down what I will say for each question but your not a lot to bring notes in the interview where when I get ask a question am like “mmm…” and say all random thing
Another part of my autism is am Sensitive to sound. People can be irritated with center sounds, but for me, the loud sound can be uncomfortable as when their noise of big crowds of people talking or loud music playing in the background and bang noises it feels like someone putting a megaphone up to my ear where I can’t focus where I want to leave and run away into a quiet room but if I can’t leave for whatever reason sometimes I start shouting until the loud sound go away. Even now people will question why I play my music up full blast when outside or at the gym and the truth is I do this to block sounds and people out so I can continue living in my own fantasy world pretending to be a well-respected fashion designer with my own brand, also pretending my high street clothing are glamours. Also, I tend to pick up sounds people normally do not notice like floorboard creaking or some talking in another room.
This is my autism described in a nutshell, yes, I may Can not commutate or understand a center things but with my crazy dreams and ideas, I can find a way of understanding the world in my own little way.