I am sitting with pyjamas on. On a cloudy morning, sipping a cup of green tea while writing this blog post. I decided to write inside the mind of pkane as I have a hell of a lot of things running through my head and I want to get it off my chest.
This blog post is going to seem very crazy/all over the place
What I have been recently feeling
Since the summer started, I’ve had a lot of feeling running through my head mainly because when university stop for the summer, it feels like I’ve been sitting at an empty bus stop, staring into space waiting for 4th year to start in September.
It kind of feels like the world suddenly stopped, where I am thinking to myself “what the hell do I do until September.” Where I am not sure what to do with myself, I mean I have applied for part-time jobs but getting a part-time is extremally hard and I am nowhere with getting a part-time job still.
So yeah, I am just kind of feel stuck in a way, I know what everyone probably thinking why not go out and hang with friends and stuff like that. Well, the honest truth is
A- I don’t really like drinking that much (which seem like everyone drink nowadays)
Before you all start saying, “what about the second half of last year while you were on placement didn’t you go out drinking”, well the answer is I only went out like once a month in the second half of last year and I stop going out at the end of January. The only reason I went out drinking last year was because I was trying to get a boyfriend and I give up in January because like what the point anymore am probably not going to find a boyfriend in a night club and plus, my work is most important to me where I work 24 hours a day.
B- In order to have a social life I need to earn an income
C- I don’t like people.
Ask anyone how known me since school they would say “Paul doesn’t like many people and he’s hates talking to a lot of people at the onetime.” To be perfectly honest I am not sure why I don’t like talking to most people, probably because people all leave in the end at some point. On that note, I just had thought probably why I want a boyfriend so much is because a boyfriend turns into a husband which means they never leave.
I have also been feeling Nervous, scared, and lost why because I am still waiting for my university marks to come back, I mean they said it takes 20 working days to get back to you with feedback, but they’re taking their time which does nothing for my Anxiety/ stress level, but I think we can all agree on these feelings as most of you’s are feeling the same way wait for feedback on our work if you’re a university student.
In fact, before the summer sometimes I felt scared to go into university why you ask because most days I went to into university it felt like everyone was judging me on every little single thing and talking be hide my back. Also, because felt like the lectures which watching my every move and watching everything I say, and then talking about me.
Well just let’s say it felt like a strange atmosphere where it felt a bit like a courtroom where you are waiting for someone to say life or death. (well not sure what a courtroom feels like never been in one ha) but the things I could say about university and people would be enough to start a tornado so let me just stay Silent because we don’t need drama and I want the world to be a kinder place than be a cruel place.
Yeah, the one thing people should know about me is I will be nice and kind to you but if you bitch be hide my back or make up a story about me. I will become a nasty bitch where I will tell people what I really think.
Let’s just say, stay on my good side and we won’t have a problem with anything
Before we stop talking about how I’ve been feeling I will let yous all in on a little Secret sometimes am not sure what to do with myself, so I just sit at my desk looking at the wall or out the window at the sky.
Yeah, am a weird one, to be honest
Let’s Talk About the future
As I am going into my 4th year in September there are no suspires that I have been thinking about the future and what I want out of life. I Struggle with the future a lot. But I think I know what I want to do after university. I mean I have decided at the end of last year what I want to do after university.
Where I have to start work on my cover letter and CV to apply for the job I want to do in October 2022 because I found out that for Graduate schemes you have started to apply for Graduate schemes in October which makes sense because the company, I want to work for is a 3-4-month application process.
I think I will get the job that I want because I have all the skills and experiences for the job because the job I want to apply for is a graduate scheme as a Trainee Buyer at Next in the Next HQ in Leicester.
Why do I want to work for Next in Leicester well it is because I have always loved Next candles and the Christmas collection and I have always loved their homeware stuff.
In fact, when I started living on my own when I was 18 years old in my first flat I had a lot of Next homeware and candle all the way through it.
I always want to work there because it looks fun and friendly place to work for and I think I would wake up every morning feel extremally happy work there and would feel valued there because I want a job where I feel valued and feel like I belong somewhere in the world.
I mean it was fun and exciting when I use to work in two of the next stores on the shop floor but I don’t want to work in a retail environment, I would rather work in their office so I don’t need to see a lot of people just the people I work with.
I think the kind of life I want is a life where I have very successful careers that earn over £20,000 and live in a 3-bedroom detached house with a big garden. Where I have a sideline fashion Business that makes passive income called pkane’s where once a year I come out with an outwear clothing collection and a blog monthly about things that are going on in my life.
Not get me wrong I would love to run and own a fashion business full time but with owning your own fashion brand you the face of your company where it is pretty hard to hide
I also want to have a dog because I love dogs and I can’t live with a dog in my life, I actually want 2 dogs and then in my 30s adopt a baby girl. Also, I want a husband but not go to board you with me talking about wanting love.
This is the kind of why I say I want to run a sideline fashion business and live in a 3 bedroom house and have a job as a fashion buyer because I don’t want to be in the public eye because I wouldn’t be able to handle the camera taking photos of me every single time I step outside my house, Yes, I want my name pkane to a well-known name in fashion, but I don’t want my face plastid all over the world.
(Maybe I could put a bag over my head ha) yeah, Sometimes my Anxiety can be a bitch where there are days when I feel like hiding from the world and never going out again because there is one thing that set my Anxiety off is people who constantly look at me, then while there look at me they go on there phone and most week it feels like someone watching me. Where I wish I could be invisible for a few months or put the world on pause where there is no one in the world apart from me.
but being invisible is pretty hard to do mainly because like you need to go out every day to work to make an income to survive in the world and sometimes your work is using things online such as online meetings where there is no break from people where it messes with your head and start to think weird thoughts am not going to get into this because I could write a full blog post on this
This is probably why I admire Adele so much because she has the respect where she can come out with an album every 5 years and have buyers waiting for her music. then the rest of the time she goes into hiding and no one hear from her or see her until she comes back out. (oh, if I could be her in the fashion world I would)
in fact, if there is a way, I could have the best of both ways like Hannah Montana I would do it, but I mean I can’t change how I look every single week to look like a different person that would be crazy and sort of like a conman in a way.
I have a lot of things I want to do in my life, but I can’t possibly do them all because we only get one life. Only if I had 9 life, I could explore everything I want to do in my career, all I know is I want a very big career like you to see in the films of successful women that look stylish and Glamours that the life for me.
Apart from my Future Career goals I also want to have a dog because I love dogs and I can’t live with a dog in my life, because of how I see my life when am older (like when am 26 or 28 years old) I see myself waking up at 5 am every morning to a dog lick my face, following me down stair to le my door out in the back garden while I grab a cold bottle of water and go to a room in my future house that is a gym room and I work out in.
then after an hour of working out, I get ready to go to work. Then in my 30s adopt a baby girl. Also, I want a husband but not go to board you with me talking about wanting love. when am in my 30s I picture my life waking up at 5 am to my husband kissing me and saying “good morning” and then as I try to leave the bed to do my morning workout he grabs me and tries to get me to go back to sleep with him.
Then after I manage to get a workout done, I go for a shower, then I wake up a baby girl and place her in my room on the bed, while my husband is laying in bed on his phone while I get ready for the day. Then as I go downstairs to feed a baby girl and get breakfast for myself my husband gets out of bed and starts to get ready for work (where ever he works ha)
This is pretty much what going through my head at the moment as most of the time just now I am thinking about the future and what I want to do in life.
yeah, as you can tell my mind is very crazy just now. sorry if this blog is all over the place but I kind of wrote it for myself to get all my thought out of my head.
P.S The next blog post will be out in 2 weeks.